Deconstructing Family Relationships
How deconstruction impacts our relationships with our parents.
Recently I came across a video on TikTok that asserted that as young people deconstruct their relationship with Christianity, family relationships will deteriorate.
As a reminder, deconstruction is the process of challenging what we know and what we believe. It allows us to expand notions of God that restrict our joy, happiness, and collective well-being.
This is an astute observation. As Christina Cleveland highlights in God is a Black Woman, many of us are “patriarchally intertwined” with our Christian parents. The church teaches us to obey our parents and submit to their authority, and for many of us, our familial relationships are rooted in fear.
Fear of hell, fear of being disobedient to God, fear of familial isolation, and spiritual rejection.
Relationships based on fear are coercive and fickle.
Within these types of family dynamics, many children yearn to develop a sense of self and identity that is separate from an expectation of blind allegiance and obedience to authority.
Within fundamentalist Christian families, many parents have neglected the importance of being curious about their children, instead, they focus on teaching their children to be small and and non-disruptive.
We are currently watching as the deconstruction movement continues to grow. With this growth will also come a breakdown of familial connections that are solely based upon fundamentalism. Deconstruction requires that parents form a relationship with their children that has a foundation beyond shared faith. It requires parents to reckon with the autonomy and complexity of their offspring.
When I was 19, I watched my relationship with my mother become undone as a result of my Queerness. My Queerness required me to break free of my fundamentalist upbringing. And, to maintain a relationship with me, my mother had to do the work of relating to me outside of fundamentalist ideas that framed me as sinful and lost.
What did it mean for my mother to love her Black Queer daughter without seeing me as a “prodigal son” like character? What did it mean for me to learn to relate to my mother as a person, not a site of moral authority?
It took us both years to renegotiate our connection. We had to remove fundamentalism as a way to relate to and understand one another.
This work transformed both our lives and moved our relationship from one based on authority and power to one shaped by curiosity, learning, and mutual commitment to growth.
How are faith, authority, and self-development showing up in your life?
Reflection Questions
Personal Deconstruction:
Have you ever experienced a period of deconstruction in your own life? How did it affect your relationships with family members or loved ones?
What fears or challenges did you face when questioning deeply held beliefs or values, and how did they impact your familial connections?
Fear-Based Relationships:
Reflect on a relationship in your life that might be influenced by fear or coercion. How might this dynamic be impacting your ability to connect authentically with that person?
In what ways can fear-based relationships be transformed into healthier, more open connections? What steps can you take to foster such transformation?
Parent-Child Dynamics:
Consider how your parents or guardians have influenced your beliefs and values. How might your relationship with them change if those influences were examined or challenged?
What does it mean to build a relationship with a parent or child that is not solely defined by shared beliefs or authority? How can curiosity and mutual respect play a role in this process?